As I was doing my usual slack assing at work this morning, I read the AV Club’s weekly football column, and while writing about the Raiders, columnist John Teti offered these thoughts:
“There’s a good chance that Oakland will go 0-16, which is sad. It’s at this point in the season that, from an impartial fan’s point of view, a winless team turns into a bunch of Charlie Browns: You might root for them to finally win, but there’s a certain dark humor in the fact that they never do.
I am indeed pulling for Oakland to get off the schneid because a winless team is such a gloomy notion. It’s depressing to think that the Raiders could work so hard to achieve a result that anyone in the world could have duplicated. At the beginning of the season, we could have put together a team of you, me, and 51 other Block & Tackle readers, and we would have easily matched the record of the 2014 Oakland Raiders so far.”
In the interest of fairness, he then goes on to divulge his real hope of seeing Oakland tie one game and finish 0-15-1, which I agree would be hilarious. But turning back to the quote above, and in general, I agree. A winless team is an incredibly gloomy notion, and normally I neither like the idea of such a sad sack group of losers populating professional sports.
But this is the Raiders we’re talking about. Fuck the Raiders. That entire team, ownership family, and fanbase can eat a bag of hell. They’re likely to go 0-16, and they probably deserve worse. I hope they go 0-16 three years in a row, get demoted to 1-AA college status, and then lose to North Dakota State for the next 50 years while their fans continue to dress up like S&M enthusiasts from 1995. Is there a more unlikable fanbase in all of sports? Don’t answer that because there are plenty. But still! Pretty goddamn obnoxious, right?
The Raiders haven’t been good, or even respectable, in more than a decade, so why the hate? Because every time I think about them, I think about this insolent little 14 year-old dipshit I was forced to listen to on a flight back from DC three years ago. After not being able to sit still the entire flight, upon landing, this self-assured little twat starts espousing to whoever’s around about how much he hates Denver, and how he would have been willing to fly two additional hours out of the way if it meant they didn’t have to land in Denver (they were catching another flight back to somewhere in the Pacific Northwest). “I hate Denver. The worst football team in the NFL! The Raiders are the best! Blah blah blah blah…”
This shouldn’t have even bothered me considering this is just some loudmouthed, pissant kid talking shit and trying to show some moxie to the other kids who were with him, but still, fuck him. I have a general policy of not making of fun of or ripping on kids on this blog, but still, fuck him. It wasn’t so much his words, but his ARROGANCE that I can’t get out of my brain. It’s like I have a cavity in one of my teeth, and every time I think about the buttfucking Raiders, I suck air through the cavity and get all aggravated. Every time, I do this! I’m an adult with a wife, a child, a big important office job, and plenty to do, but I think about this damn kid way more often than I should. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Congrats, you snot-nosed punk. You win! You live in my head! ARE YOU HAPPY???
In conclusion, I hope this kid enjoys all the despair and embarrassment of watching his favorite team suck, and SUCK HORRIBLY. Then I hope they move to San Antonio, change the name of the team, burn everything associated with the Raiders in one of those big cauldrons cannibals use to cook people in, disavow the team was ever affiliated with the Davis family or Oakland, and win the Super Bowl as the San Antonio Jim Bowies.
Needlessly mean rant over. Happy Friday!