Jon of All Trades

Stickhandling

Jon November 30, 2012 Blog, Sports 3 Comments on Stickhandling

I abstractly think those who are good at billiards are automatically the coolest cats in the room.

There’s just something so unspeakably hip about being able to saunter up to a game and quietly run the table with surgical precision and unyielding focus while onlookers stare at you reverently and women fantasize about what it must be like to have the privilege of getting all mouthy down on your pee-pee. 

This rarely happens , of course, because most people suck hard at pool, and those who don’t are usually douche bags. And if you’ve ever happened upon ESPN2 in the middle of the afternoon, the guys doing the trick shots and playing 9 ball are dorks of the highest order. They look like if they hadn’t mastered competitive billiards, they’d be mediocre magicians at children’s birthday parties or guys who have strong opinions about text-based RPGs.

I myself am a slightly above-average pool player. And there’s very little that’s better in a social situation than playing a few friends you haven’t seen in a while and rattling off a nice streak of four balls smoothly coasting into the pockets from a variety of angles and distances. Makes you feel like king shit for a few seconds until inevitability strikes and DERP – cue ball follows the 14 into the corner pocket. And then you’re back to reality and it takes 20 fucking minutes for the four of you to sink three balls.

It’s important not to totally suck at pool, as it’s sort of like the lower stakes version of golf. Depending on your industry, being shitty at golf can be extremely career limiting. Likewise, being a complete spazz at the pool table can quickly thin the herd of potential sexual partners.

Make a few shots, crack a decent opening break and handle your stick like a pro – yeah, you probably know your way around a vagina. Pick up the cue and go HURRRRRRR, and it’s likely back home for another lonely fap session.

The ability to sling a decent game of billiards is an underrated skill and one you get to deploy in circumstances that are not always easy to predict. That’s value.

Having sex on a pool table is totally overrated, however.

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3 Comments

  1. Gutter November 30, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Not sure if anyone else is the same way, but it seems like if I am playing pool and completely sober I look like a retarded 5 year old playing pool who is just happy that they made contact with the ball and if a ball somehow goes into the pocket it’s just a bonus.
    On the other hand if I have 2 or 3 beers in me and I have a slight buzz I become Johnny from “Poolhall Junkies” and start making everything and dance around the table in between every shot. This quickly goes away however if I get drunk, then I turn into the 5 year old again, but have to pee every 20 minutes… like a 5 year old.

  2. roxyturtle December 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    Ha, I was gonna say the same thing as Gutter. My pool skills improve remarkably with a few beers in me. Not that I’m good when drunk…but I am slightly better than total suck.

  3. Deuce December 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

    My boss calls this the OAL (optimal alcohol level) and it applies to a variety of activities. Golf, bowling, darts and especially pool. You get better and better right up to the point and then you begin a quick decline in talent if you over consume. On the golf course, mine is 3 beers spaced out over 18 holes Any more than and I start chunking easy shots from the middle of the fairway.

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