Jon of All Trades

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For no reason in particular, here are 17 random, non-sequential, potentially offensive, almost assuredly bizarre, and otherwise interesting thoughts about all manner of sexually related things. Enjoy your Friday, and here’s hoping you find your preferred partner ready and willing to rub up against you in that way you like this weekend. (Outside of maybe some questionable language, this entire post will be safe for work.)

* It’s weird how your fantasies change over time. I used to be all about the Catholic schoolgirl. When I think about that particular get-up as a 32 year-old, it sort of skeeves me out. It’s too close to pedophilia for me, and the magic is now gone.

* On the flipside, I was leaving work the other day and this woman in front of me was wearing an exquisitely tailored skirt suit that turned me into a dialed down version of Chris Tucker. I’m not sure if it was the woman, her nicely toned calves, her fine shapely curves, the notion of power that suit connoted, or the superb cut of that suit, but whatever it was, it worked. And I was proud of having my interest piqued by such a grown up construction.

* While on Facebook recently, a friend punctuated a joke with “butt sex.” That term will never not be funny.

bernadettes-pink-frilly-chemise

* Wolowitz referred to Bernadette’s “noise cancelling breasts” on an episode of “The Big Bang Theory.” I can relate. Is it weird that I get disproportionately excited thinking about when we go to bed and my wife changes into her sleepwear just because I get to ogle her ta-tas every night? We’ve been married more than 4 years, and this still gets me going.

* I used to have terrible stage fright in the bathroom at urinals. You know what helped me get over it (aside from having my bladder nearly explode thanks to 2 liters of beer at Oktoberfest in Munich?) I was at a urinal trough, and I peeked. I’m not proud of it, but I peeked at another dude’s package. I’d never done that before, and when I did, I didn’t burst into flames (or whatever the hell I thought would happen), so I think I relaxed and let it flow. I haven’t peeked since.

* I have no idea what everyone else’s policy on talking in the bathroom is, but for the record, I’m against it. There are those who aren’t, and I can accept that and don’t begrudge them. Just please don’t talk to me. I’ve often wondered – but not to the point of actually asking, because gross – what women are like in there. I saw two colleagues on a recent work trip chatting on their way to the ladies room and wondered if they’d continue this chat as they pulled their pants down, sat down, and did their business right next to each other and if that was bizarre. For whatever reason, the idea of that really weirded me out until I put the shoe on the other foot and thought about how they’d respond if I actually asked them about it. The hypothetical response was strong, “Not any more bizarre than you guys standing right next to each other maintaining a conversation with your dicks in your hands.” Touche, hypothetical lady. Touche.

* As far as fetishes go, foot fetishists are probably as close to the mainstream as you can get while still being considered a sexual outlier. I couldn’t care less about feet one way or the other, but the idea of feet exciting you in any way erotically is still sort of gross to me.

* It’s even harder for me to imagine wanting to film myself having sex and then putting it into the public domain. Who does that? Lots of people. But still! Anyone who films themselves doing the hibbity dibbity has GOT to have in the back of their mind the curious little demon that wonders what would happen if they “accidentally” leaked it onto the internet. I’ll bet people would like it and be turned on by it, these weirdoes think.

* For parents of teenagers, I’ll bet one of the ickiest things you get to do is stumble upon your child’s internet search history. Gah.

* As I’ve gotten older, I think I’ve gotten much more objective about attractiveness. I suspect this is because I’m not actively trying to fuck anyone besides my wife, so my commentary on attractiveness is rooted more in disinterested observation than any endgame. That’s why it’s so amusing when other dudes freak out when I talk about some dude’s sexiness. I don’t want to fuck him, but facts are facts.

*I used to find it sort of anachronistic and quirky when old people used to freak out about gay people. Now I just find it obnoxious because gay people are literally no different than straight people. They go to work, they get the oil changed on their cars, they drink Diet Coke, and they go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Except for the fucking, it’s literally the exact same as everyone else’s lives, so please get over yourself.

* I literally never get tired of when a woman bends over and her thong accidentally pokes out the back of her pants. That’ll put a spring in my step for the rest of my day.

Yes, I know liking this is trashy. No, I don't care.

Yes, I know liking this is trashy. No, I don’t care.

* I went to the place where we did our infertility testing recently, and it was only the second time I was there and not expected to masturbate. As I sat in the waiting room, I got a hankering for pornography. That’s the first time I can say that about a waiting room.

* I think about you when I’m in the shower.

* Occasionally I’ll be flipping through HBO and happen upon an episode of “Real Sex.” And then I’ll remember how fucking great that was when I was 14, and I wonder if 14 year-olds now even have an appreciation for it, or if it comes on and they’re just like, meh. Let’s go Google those photos of Megan Fox topless again. I generally don’t whine about kids being spoiled, but when it comes to fapping, they TOTALLY are.

*The first time I felt up a girl was in Black Bart’s cave at Casa Bonita. This happened before I ever kissed a girl. I did a few other things experience-wise before I ever kissed a girl. I have no idea how I got the formula so inverted, but maybe that’s what made me such a huge pervert growing up.

* I recently discovered women like it when dudes wear slacks so they can check out their bulges. I found this mindblowing, and sort of reassuring. Maybe I’m not the only huge pervert out there. Maybe we all are.

So enjoy your perverted weekend. See you next week for the launch of Jon of All Trades.

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