Jon of All Trades

Candor

“Here’s a hypothetical scenario: Would you rather give up cheese for the rest of your life – no cheese in any form ever – or oral sex, both giving and receiving?” asked our friend Amy recently over dinner.

“Cheese,” Kristin and I both said in tandem with little thought and without even having to look at each other.

I’ll pretty much leave it at that since elucidating with more detail isn’t really in the spirit of this blog, but I will say that we continue to unnerve with our candor. Some enjoy it more than others.

When I started graduate school, at the end of our training week our mentor hosted a barbecue at her house that we were all invited to. I had terrible social anxiety then that I’ve largely put behind me, so I was all aflutter the whole night. One of my new colleagues Elizabeth was with her husband and made some comment about how great the food looked. I responded with the following:

“Yeah, but my stomach is sort of upset, I don’t know what the problem is. Could be that balloon of heroin I swallowed to smuggle past the border cops,” which is a weird and totally untrue response to an honest comment from unknown origin in my twisted, socially anxious brain.

She leaned over to her husband and said, “That’s Jon. You get used to him.” She was right, and they did. We all became great friends.

When I met Jason’s new girlfriend nearly two years ago, within 20 minutes of meeting her we all discussed why you should definitely fuck a clone of yourself, and if you could auto-fellate yourself, why you shouldn’t be afraid to go for the money shot all over your own face. Thankfully she was laughing along with everyone else. They eventually broke up anyway.

When I told this story to Gabe and Amy after the cheese/oral sex proposition, Kristin chimed in with this: “You know what would be the ultimate? Getting a clone of your own wife, and then having a three-way with both of them.” ZOMG! So awesome! Why the fuck haven’t I thought of that?!

This is why we’re married.

Gabe and Amy did not run away from this assertion. This is why we’re friends.

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