I have learned that not only am I boring as shit when my wife is out of town, I was likely always this boring.
She’s been gone all this week on business, and inevitably whenever I tell people that, I get the same dumbass mouth-breathing response. “Oh, well you’re batchin’ it this week. Look out!” Yeah, this isn’t a sitcom and I don’t view my wife as some barely tolerable harpy who I look forward to escaping from into strip clubs and a fog of cigar smoke and outdated cliches. Unlike what I’m discovering is a dispiriting segment of the married populace, I actually like my wife and enjoy spending time with her.
When she’s gone, I end up alone on Friday night eating Goldfish crackers out of one of those gallon cartons for dinner and watching Remember the Titans for the 133rd time on ABC Family. Earlier this week I fell asleep after an hour of playing Prince of Persia on Xbox to “Home Improvement” reruns. I still have friends and interests outside of adding Velveeta to refried beans for grilled burritos like I thought was brilliant the other night, but in terms of basic workaday grind, I’m better when my partner in crime is home.
Yet, when she’s gone, I certainly have more time for pointless insights like realizing once again that re-watching movies on television ruins them. One of the best scenes in Remember the Titans comes after one of its most ludicrous. After the high school coach wakes his team up at 3 am to run them through the woods and give a ridiculously overwrought speech comparing football to the FUCKING BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG, we see the team start to come together.
Julius (black) puts the incredibly ageless Donald Faison (also black) on his ass defending an option play, and team captain Gary (white), celebrates it with him by shouting “Left side!” at him. Julius shouts back “Strong side!” Gary retorts. Julius retorts. Everyone feels the mojo, and we know this crazy mixed up team of mismatched races might just come together. Despite this mocking tone, the whole scene is actually underplayed and gives you the chills. Normally.
That is, you get chills when that scene gets a chance to sink in after the fact, and there isn’t some voiceover bitch railroading in right after that nice little scene with “Did you know Advil blah blah blah…”
Fuck bitch, we were having a moment there with Remember the Titans. Can’t it wait?
“Who’s ‘we,’” asks the invisible strawman I just made up.
Me and the cats. I’m bored. And worse, boring. Where are the Goldfish crackers?