Jon

Memory

I used to be staunchly anti-Facebook, and this philosophical stance was idiotic. It’s Sunday morning and I’m up to not much. Updating our monthly budget, catching up on a few blogs that are blocked at work and therefore unavailable for me to fuck off with while getting paid, and listening to iTunes. “I Try” by…

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Sriracha

“I can’t really handle spicy foods. I have a ‘supertaster,’” said the woman next to me at a business dinner as we perused a robustly awesome sushi menu. “Oh, you mean bitchmouth?” I helpfully corrected.

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Lechery

I find myself ogling men more than women as I get older. This is not a sexual thing, and I’m not dealing with any repressed homosexuality. I just find that as I advance in age, gawking at some 19 year old chick’s perfectly manicured backyard becomes less and less charming. I’ve adopted Seinfeld’s philosophy as…

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Access

I travel enough to get upgraded at shitty hotels. That’s almost poetic in its mundanity, is it not? Send me somewhere cool, I’m a peon just like everyone else. Yes, the rate is $289 a night, sir. But I’m a silver member! Doesn’t that mean anything? Yes, that you travel enough to be important in…

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Candor

“Here’s a hypothetical scenario: Would you rather give up cheese for the rest of your life – no cheese in any form ever – or oral sex, both giving and receiving?” asked our friend Amy recently over dinner. “Cheese,” Kristin and I both said in tandem with little thought and without even having to look…

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Sexless

In a former life, I used to rant and rave about how much I hated AskMen.com. I still hate it considering that site is nothing more than reductive, unnuanced claptrap written by a team of remarkably stupid and sexist chimpanzees. While researching a piece I was writing, I felt somewhat vindicated in my assumptions about…

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Rox

The Colorado Rockies have announced Walt Weiss as their new manager today, someone I like immensely and wish all the success to. Here is a post about the Rockies’ 2012 season I wrote shortly after the season ended. *** I think the only Colorado Rockies season I enjoyed less than this one was 2005. That…

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Pretense

I stopped being such an insufferable music shitass in 2010. I fancied myself a music nerd in college, but aggressively hated 90% of all music for no good reason. That’s probably the worst thing about being a punk rock fan. Unless something falls within a very narrow aesthetic definition, you pretty much hate it on…

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Inevitability

I am not as good at Bejeweled as my wife is. No husband is. I’ve asked. Wives are universally better than their husbands at this game, and basically any other game on your smartphone. Stick a lady in front of Madden or Halo, she’s Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. Give her your iPhone and some…

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Magnitude

I remember the most important election of our generation. It’s every election of our generation. At least, that’s what they tell us. Every year they dial up the hyperbole and we’re forced to choose between, depending on who you listen to, an antichrist who will condemn this country to a fiery doom and spiral us…

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