Jon

Catering

If I have to name a least favorite food, I would say it’s anything that comes out of a hotel catering kitchen served in a big chafing dish. Doesn’t matter what it is, if I’m in some fucking banquet hall or conference room that’s cold enough to hang sides of beef at 12:30 in the…

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Tarantino

When it was released in 1994, my parents forbid me from seeing Pulp Fiction. I’m sure the reasons provided included the rampant drug use, gratuitous violence, and extensive profanity. But thinking back on it now, I’m pretty sure the sole reason was the whole sequence surrounding the redneck pawn shop owner and his security guard…

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Batchin’

I have learned that not only am I boring as shit when my wife is out of town, I was likely always this boring. She’s been gone all this week on business, and inevitably whenever I tell people that, I get the same dumbass mouth-breathing response. “Oh, well you’re batchin’ it this week. Look out!”…

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Bills

“A scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fly, but is also known as a ‘busta.’” Truth. Released in January 1999, “No Scrubs” by TLC became the group’s third #1 single eighth Top 10. It’s also a song I unabashedly love for reasons I cannot comprehend. I am certainly appreciative of female empowerment and the…

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D-Bag

If you’re ever around me and I suddenly start to seem like much more of a douche bag than normal, but you can’t put your finger on exactly why, I’m nervous. My gestures give me away when I’m nervous or intimidated or lacking for the appropriate social response. And the reason you think I’m a…

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Stickhandling

I abstractly think those who are good at billiards are automatically the coolest cats in the room. There’s just something so unspeakably hip about being able to saunter up to a game and quietly run the table with surgical precision and unyielding focus while onlookers stare at you reverently and women fantasize about what it…

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Bleep

I am a wide-eyed enthusiast for censored profanity. The biggest reason, I suppose, for this enthusiasm is that I believe it achieves the opposite of its intended effect. Rather than obfuscating an unsavory word, a big ol’ bleep circles it, highlights it, and sends your brain scurrying back to the obscenity file to figure out…

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Muce

When I used to make fun of old people and the mere concept of drinking fiber, I did not realize I would be heckling myself at age 29. That’s when I started on The ‘Muce (or Metamucil, for those you not hip enough yet – and, ok, no, I’ve never actually referred to Metamucil as…

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Memory

I used to be staunchly anti-Facebook, and this philosophical stance was idiotic. It’s Sunday morning and I’m up to not much. Updating our monthly budget, catching up on a few blogs that are blocked at work and therefore unavailable for me to fuck off with while getting paid, and listening to iTunes. “I Try” by…

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Sriracha

“I can’t really handle spicy foods. I have a ‘supertaster,’” said the woman next to me at a business dinner as we perused a robustly awesome sushi menu. “Oh, you mean bitchmouth?” I helpfully corrected.

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